Beautiful Lies

Well, this is embarrassing…
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What is on the scoreboard could portray a different reality than what is being played on the court. Let your children focus on improving their skills rather than merely working hard. Yet, let us not forget to tell them that hard work provides a better result than not working at all. A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family. You know how this looks:.

This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around. In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits. Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents. You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…. If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction. One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings. We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

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In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you. Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP. I ask you to stop doing it. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder.

As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution. Approach your family member and ask to be listened. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

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You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need. In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only. No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship like a family will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship. And this is where we will talk about the fix itself.

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The one I mentioned in the introduction…. You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Yours and the other person. What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it. It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

leondumoulin.nl/language/prayer/the-interesting-history-a-very.php After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. By speaking from the heart…. And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you. And that leads me to the next point….

But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up.

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And then unsheathes the swords…. When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation. What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully! Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison. It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you.

We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are. We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important. We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention.

You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing. What comes next?

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Doing the work! Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship. You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love. What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing? When a mother makes a decision it effects the entire family. The laughs, drama and emotions run HIGH! Come see what deception can do to a family.

No matter how many prayers they say. Will it bring them together or tare them apart?

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